Things that come to mind

Change

2011-09-10T20:33:00.003-06:00

I have learned the past several months how in an instant everything can change. I have watched a marriage fall apart, then I watched this wife, after Satan took hold of her husband, have to learn what single parenthood was about, I watched her son become angry because his daddy was gone and would never come home. I watched families close to this one struggle, wondering how someone who seemed so rooted in God surrender to death. It was a life taken too early because Satan was able to get a foot in the door. It was one action though, one action that changed everything. Suicide. It is the second of someone I know, the first of someone I was close to. I still find myself struggling as I pass the place where they found his body, wondering why we didn't go up that road to find him that day. Even though I know by the time we would have gone up there he would have already been dead, I still can't help but wonder that if maybe we did go up there we would have been able to save him. I have watched my dad lose his best friend. My mom lose her best friend. It is just so amazing to me. One action. One action has forever changed so much. None of it seems to ever make sense. Satan is sly. It just takes one wrong move on our behalf for him to get in and then he spreads like wildfire. To see this man who was so involved in Church, who seemed so on fire for God, fall into adultery. Then watching him leave his wife, then come back to his wife, then leave again. Then to have him send his last message of saying goodbye, the same message to both his wife and mistress. Only to have him turn the gun on himself. It is all so surreal Nothing is the same. Nothing will ever be the same.

We All Wanna Be Somebody

2011-03-20T21:11:00.002-06:00

This morning I worked Welcome Team at church. I was placed just inside the main doors to greet people. Anyone who knows me I hate having to talk to people I don't know. I found several familiar faces and had several strangers start up conversations with me. I had the opportunity to help two newcomers find their way to where they wanted to go. It was a good experience and another step to help me become a little less antisocial. The one thing that stood out to me tonight and actually made my day was when a lady who I have never had a conversation with, someone who probably sees me in the front row at church when I sit with Al and she is on worship team, actually said "Hi Amanda." First thing that came to mind was "She knows my name." Anyone who goes to Eastern Hills knows how big the church is. There are some people I see maybe once every six months or so because of how many people there are at each service. So to that person, assuming she reads my blog which has had one post in the last year, thank you.

Missed the year mark...

2011-03-04T09:32:00.000-07:00

Darn. I was hoping to remember to log in on the 20th to do a quick blog. I forgot. I'll think of something to put in this box a little later.

Misunderstandings

2010-02-20T10:22:00.003-07:00

It grieves me when a fellow believer chooses to not walk in the way of the Lord. When they go off on anything without having a true understanding of what was done or said. That happened recently. We had two people leave our group because of a misunderstanding. One guy decided to get mad at something he misheard. Talking to him does no good because he holds grudges. Is this guy a real christian? I don't know. I hope so, but his actions have always said otherwise. I pray he finds the true love of Jesus Christ and will learn to let that shine through. God calls us to be slow to anger. Slow, not fast. I have never gotten why someone would call themself a christian but never show it. I want to show the world why I am so different. I want to be different. I want to honor my Father, the one who gave me true life. Yes sometimes I am quick to anger but it is something the Lord is working on and I am getting better at. That is why I walk away instead of starting something. The whole thing baffles me. Before you get all ticked off make sure it is over something real.

Another one on Trust...

2010-02-02T08:18:00.003-07:00

In every relationship there are defining moments. There are decisions we are faced with. What we choose will determine the course of that relationship. Pastor Shawn spoke about choosing the right thing over the wrong. That if we choose the wrong thing, it destroys things. Satan is in those wrong things. As Christians we should choose not to do those wrong things. We were all born with a sense of what’s right and what’s wrong. We are taught throughout our lives what is right and what is wrong. For instance, murder is wrong. Lying is wrong. Adultery is wrong. Helping others is right. Being kind is right.

Yet we still fall into these wrong things. How is it that marriages fall apart? Husbands cheat on their wives and the wives cheat on their husbands. The bible says in Matthew 5:28: “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Powerful words those are. If I look at a guy in lust, I have committed adultery!

God hates lying. Prov 6:16-19 states, “There are six things which the LORD hates, Yes, seven which are an abomination to Him: Haughty eyes, lying tongue, And hands that shed innocent blood, A heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that run rapidly to evil, A false witness who utters lies, And one who spreads strife among brothers.” He calls these things an abomination! If God does not approve of this, if this is of the Satan, I want no part in it, nor do I want to have a relationship of any kind with someone who thinks it’s okay. They have taken Satan’s side, not God’s side.

These things destroy. Every relationship has a level of trust. We talk to the people we trust and tell them our deepest secrets. In marriage, that person is the spouse. When the other spouse decides to go and commit adultery, the person that once trusted them can no longer trust. That bridge was torn down and needs to be rebuilt. When you share something so intimate with the one you love only to have them share the same thing with someone else it destroys a person. It destroys that relationship maybe even beyond repair.

Same type of thing with lying. You tell someone something, something you have entrusted to them. When that person lies to you, that trust is gone. If they are going to lie to you about small things, who’s to say they won’t lie about bigger things. Who’s to say you can trust them with those intimate details when they lie about the small things?

I want to go back, I really do. I don’t know how to go back. The relationship was destroyed with a stupid lie someone said to protect themself. How can I go back? I will always have in the back of my mind the question about whether or not this person is lying to me about this or that or if I can really count on them to not tell others something I told them in confidence. I want to go back, I just don’t know how.

Trust

2009-12-29T20:30:00.001-07:00

There isn’t a worse feeling than the feeling of not being trusted. This is especially true when you’ve done nothing to lose that trust. Trust has come hard for me. After having someone I trusted do things to me they shouldn’t have, I lost my trust in people. I wouldn’t let people close to me. It messed up a lot of my childhood. Over time I have begun letting people in, letting them get close and trusting them. It isn’t necessarily a process to me anymore, I just do it. I trust the person off the bat because they have done nothing to show me I cannot trust Him. That’s what I should do because God chooses to trust me with all I have when I have done nothing to prove to Him that I am trustworthy. I have lost trust in people with things they’ve done to me and over time they gain it back, assuming they prove themselves. I know that is not the Christian thing to do but it is something I’m working on. I hate the feeling though of someone not trusting me. It hurts almost knowing I have done nothing wrong and because I am who I am, I am not being accepted for it. Everything I do seems to be questioned for no real reason. Trust just seems to suck. That’s all I can think of right now. Is it so hard to just accept someone for who they are?

The Christmas Story

2009-12-24T20:20:00.002-07:00

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register.

So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
"Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about."

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

On the eighth day, when it was time to circumcise him, he was named Jesus, the name the angel had given him before he had been conceived.

When the time of their purification according to the Law of Moses had been completed, Joseph and Mary took him to Jerusalem to present him to the Lord (as it is written in the Law of the Lord, "Every firstborn male is to be consecrated to the Lord"), and to offer a sacrifice in keeping with what is said in the Law of the Lord: "a pair of doves or two young pigeons."

Praise be to God for He sent His only Son into this world for us, an undeserving people. Thank you God for your eternal gift and for your salvation. I can never express how grateful I am for your Gift.

Jesus Christ, the true Gospel

2009-12-09T08:51:00.001-07:00

Cornerstone. the chief foundation on which something is constructed or developed. Jesus is the cornerstone. No, he is the CHIEF cornerstone (Eph 2:20). Without Christ, we would not be. Without Christ nothing would be. We would not have a basis for what we believe without Christ Jesus.

With this we are given the gospel, pure and simple. God sent His Son, Jesus Christ, into this world. He lived a perfect life so he could be the pure Lamb that was needed in order to be sacrificed. He was betrayed by His own people, beaten, nailed to a cross and left to die. This was the act of love he came here to do. We are to turn away from our sin and become pure and blameless. This is why Christ came. He knew we would always struggle with sin, that we would never be pure and blamesless without help. So he died for us, as our eternal sacrifice so that we are made pure and blameless. Do we sin? Yes. Is it like a switch when we decide to give Christ our life? No. Do we feel different? No. We are still us. I am me, the only difference is, my life now has meaning. I have a purpose in this life with Christ. Without Christ, I am nothing. Without Christ, you are nothing. Our life is now all about Jesus Christ. That is the gospel, pure and simple!

This whole idea of it being a switch, that we are just supposed to turn away from our sins and that is that is wrong. God knows that too. He wants us to try. The thing that gets me is when there are those who seem to believe this idea that it is a switch, that you will never sin again. It’s wrong. I know people who believe this and they themselves have sin in their life. They are living like the Pharisees. Point out the wrongs in everyone else when they still have the plank in their own eye.

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.” Luke 6:41-42

I do agree we need to help our brothers and sisters out and when we see sin to point it out. But it does need to be done right. I know of people who are so quick to point out my wrongs and they do it in a way that says “I’M BETTER THAN YOU!” This is not the humble way we should do this. It is this mindset, this way of doing things that pushes others away. It breaks my heart to see how new believers struggle to feel accepted when someone is constantly telling them what to do. Do not tell anyone what to do that is a new believer. Let them know you are there to support and help them when they want it. This opens the door for them to come and ask you your advice. Believe me, they will ask someone for advice. It really works! Let’s not continue pushing our unsolicited advice, suggestions, or just plain beliefs on those around us. God is love. It is our love for each other and for Jesus Christ that others will know who we are and will start asking questions. This is the way to open the door to bring others to Christ. It all starts with love, with Jesus who is love.

I can only pray that people will see and claim the true gospel. Jesus Christ is the true gospel. He is the only way, the only truth and the only Light. When will others finally see and turn from whatever this other gospel they claim to be true is?

Media

2009-12-04T09:14:00.001-07:00

It seems as though recently I’ve begun hating the news and radio. The current topic this last week is Tiger Woods. It seems as though everyone has their opinion and most people think this is funny and that he is this horrible person. Fact of the matter is I just don’t care. Yes, he is a famous guy, but that does not mean he wants everything he does broadcast to the entire world. Did he screw up? YES. Does the entire world need to add an opinion? No. The guy made a horrible mistake and is now paying for that. Let him and his family deal with this privately, as they should. I know I don’t want all my mistakes broadcast for the world to see. How awful this must be for his children and wife. I pray they can all find peace in this and that things will work out.

I have seen this over and over again the last several months. Jon Gosselin’s mistakes were broadcast to the entire world. Then the media pinned them against each other and blew this way out of proportion. It is TV, nothing is as it seems, regardless if it’s reality TV or not. Jon made a mistake, then again, I do believe Kate did too. Not the same mistake but a mistake nonetheless. This whole victim thing they have portrayed her as is irritating.

The media has become something I hate. I don’t listen to much radio anymore so I don’t have to hear it. Our world has become a place that we feed on others. Someone makes a mistake in Hollywood and we all jump on and attack that person. We attack people we know nothing about. We only know what we hear which cannot be trusted. We attack those around us as well. We get angry, bitter, hurt, whatever, at someone and take it out on them instead of going to the person and talking it out. What a society we live in. I am ashamed at how I have acted in the past and God is doing a great work in me changing me from my old ways. I think that is why I have such issues with what I hear on TV and on the radio. God has called us to be apart of the world, not a part of it. He does not want us fully engulfed in the ways of this world. It is up to Christians to realize that and start standing up for their faith. God gave us His son, the least we could do is follow fully.

Something On My Heart

2009-09-24T09:47:00.005-06:00

What a country we live in. A country that was founded on Christian principles. Great men who worshipped our Great God. This was once an amazing country. A place where people got along. It seems every year things get worse. We get further and further away from the values we once held. Where things that were once thought upon as wrong are now a part of who people are. The biblical values many of us hold are looked upon as wrong to the world. Men sleeping with men, women with women, murder, lying, gossip, adultery, cheating…etc. All of these are okay in the people’s eyes. Now, if we think any of this is wrong, we are shunned, called extremists. What happened to the United States of America?

Several cities in the Bible became corrupt after a time. This all happened because of the sin of the people. The first account of God doing something about the corrupt was in Genesis 6 when God decided he would flood the earth. He knew there was still a good man in the world, Noah. He had Noah build and ark so he could take his family, as well as two of each kind of animal so that after the flood they could repopulate the earth. This was how God first started over what he had created. After all this God decided never again would he flood the whole earth. To remind of us of this promise he gave us the rainbow. Genesis 9:13-16 says “I have set my rainbow in the clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds. I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on earth.” Where in this verse does it state the rainbow stands for gays? No where. The rainbow is a promise from God and this world has taken a beautiful thing and made it a symbol for sin.

Later on there is Sodom and Gomorrah. Genesis 18:20 states, “Then the Lord said, ‘The outcry against Sodom and Gomorrah is so great and their sin so grievous that I will go down and see if what they have done is as bad as the outcry that has reached me. If not, I will know.” Now, why would God have to go see? Remember, this is the God of the universe? HE KNOWS!!! Because things were as bad as God knew they were, in chapter 19, the destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah for their sins. In Exodus we learn about Pharaoh. He is a wicked man whose heart is hardened. So ten plagues were brought upon him and his people. Then the Lord destroyed Pharoah and his men as they chase after Moses and the people of Egypt. There are dozens of times throughout the new and old testaments where God either destroyed a people or punished them because of their sins. In the New Testament God quit destroying cities because of sin. Instead he sent Jesus Christ to save us. He lived a life like any of us. His days were spent teaching others about the love of His Father. Bringing people to Him.

It seems that as time went on after Jesus went back to Heaven to be with His Father, things just went downhill. Wars were still fought for the wrong reasons. People fought with each other over petty things. America was founded. People based how they ran things on the bible and what they knew were right. As time went on we became tolerant. We became tolerant of other religions, of other people who destroy the name of God. Shame on us for not fighting for what is right. Shame on us for not standing up for our faith and instead cowering in a corner afraid people may hate us. I tell you the truth, we will be hated by the people of the world. God is very clear that we will not be liked because what we believe is truth. Shame on us for setting aside what we believe and voting for people who support the very things God despises. There is no justification for it. If you are not for God, you are against Him. If you support someone who is against God, you too are now against Him. I am sick of settling for things. I am sick of this country settling for things. It is time for us to fight. We have freedom in America. We won’t be persecuted to the extent others are in countries where even speaking the name Jesus Christ will get you killed.

My dream is to see the Christian church rise up. To get rid of those who fake loving our Lord and Savior, for us to become united under one cause. “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20

Teaching others of Christ’s love for us is only part of what he asked. He wants us to teach them to obey everything, EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING that He commanded us. EVERYTHING! How awesome would it be for everyone who believes in Jesus Christ, has a personal relationship with him to come together to do this? What a powerful message that would be. How amazing would it be if we took back this country and God ruled once again? I can only pray that one day this will happen. One day. One day. God wins in the end. “When the thousand years are over, Satan will be released from his prison and will go out to deceive the nations in the four corners of the earth—Gog and Magog—to gather them for battle. In number they are like the sand on the seashore. They marched across the breadth of the earth and surrounded the camp of God's people, the city he loves. But fire came down from heaven and devoured them. And the devil, who deceived them, was thrown into the lake of burning sulfur, where the beast and the false prophet had been thrown. They will be tormented day and night for ever and ever.” Rev 20:7-40

“Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever. The angel said to me, "These words are trustworthy and true. The Lord, the God of the spirits of the prophets, sent his angel to show his servants the things that must soon take place."
"Behold, I am coming soon! Blessed is he who keeps the words of the prophecy in this book."” Rev 22:1-7

Praise the God who saves us. Praise the One who defeats the evil one who has caused so much ruin in this world. Praise You God!

Putting Things In Perspective

2009-08-03T06:30:00.002-06:00

Lately it seems as if people I know/have known have passed away. It's been crazy but the last several months have put the circle of life into perspective. I have seen babies born, okay, not actually seen but know of babies being born. Then I see people getting married, starting the next chapter in their lives. Then, people I know have died. I knew a guy who had cancer, lung cancer, he fought and fought and went into remission. He survived something that should've taken his life and instead died from a blood clot. While this is sad, I also find it great how when God wants the person, he will stop at nothing. Why not take this person in their cancer fight? Why wait? It shows me the power of God. God called the person home. The circle of life is such an amazing gift of God, I praise Him for it.

Listening

2009-04-06T12:56:00.001-06:00

Life seems to always be changing. There is nothing I can do about it either. I hate it! I do not understand it. I find it hard to trust God with life at times. I like to be in control. Obviously when God is in control, I don’t know what’s going to happen. Some of the hardest things I’ve had to do recently is trust God. Pray to him and ask him to show me His Will for me. People have been hurt because of what God has for me. They do not seem to understand that I did pray about my decisions and that I am confident I did what God wanted. I hate the friendship that was lost. I miss that. It was eight years. I pray one day that God will soften his heart and make him realize that I did what God wanted. How much easier it would’ve been at the time had I just ignored God and did what I wanted to I was in control. But also, how wrong that would have been.

I cannot thank God enough for where he has brought me. Although my heart still aches from time to time for friendships that have been destroyed, God has brought me a kind of peace about it all. For so long I questioned myself. How do I know it is God talking to me, how do I know it’s not just me being me? I think we all have that question. I think when we want something enough, we can trick ourselves into thinking it is God telling us that is what he wants. Although I do believe that sometimes it may be true, for the most part, it’s not. I definitely did not do what I wanted to do. I struggled with it days before I actually decided to follow God and I did it for several days after. It wasn’t until I poured my heart out to God that I felt peace.

God has an interesting way of doing things. I don’t always like it but what can I do? There are two options, listen to God or ignore Him. I cannot live with not listening to Him. All I can do is strive to be a godly woman. To listen to God and try to be someone that worships, that loves, that listens to Him and molds life after Him. May I be that person. I hope one day that someone will look at me, see something different in me and ask why, so that I may be able to tell them about this great Friend that I have.

Thank you God for always being there for me, for loving me and accepting me no matter how many times I stray from you. Thank you for being you and never changing in this always changing world.

August 13th and 14th, 2008

2009-02-17T08:04:00.002-07:00

I feel like I don’t get time to blog, so I decided that today, while I am working on my laptop and waiting on it to format, I will blog. I guess it’s been over a month since I last blogged. It’s amazing to me how fast time has been flying this year, well, the last six months. Six months ago last Friday (the 13th), was my ATV accident. I ended up in the ER, having to go to Gunnison instead while still in a lot of pain, going to the hospital in Gunnison, only to be told I had to go up the street to the orthopedic surgeon’s office. Then I had to wait a while, still in pain, not having any of my other cuts and scrapes doctored, still covered in dirt and stuff from the mountain. It honestly sucked. Then the doc comes in and I finally get them to doctor me up. They take me to a room in the back and set my foot. I had to fight with them to give me something to numb my foot so I wouldn’t feel the pain too much. Then they put my foot in a splint because they couldn’t do surgery that day. My friend may have needed immediate surgery and so my doc wanted to keep his schedule clear in case he needed to be in that surgery. So my dad got a hotel across the street and I went there. I had nothing! I had my little bag I had on the ATV ride, I had my MP3 player, thank God! I had sunglasses which I didn’t need. Praise God I had my glasses because my contacts began getting very dry. It seems when I cry at all my contacts go dry. My parents left me in the hotel room while they drove the hour back to Lake City to grab all our stuff. They had to pack all our stuff and all Robert’s stuff. Then they drove both vehicles back to Gunnison. All the while I’m going crazy. I can’t do anything. I’m in so much pain. I was so cold but couldn’t bear to have the blankets from the bed on my foot. The receptionist was kind enough to bring me a blanket that I could just put wherever. I laid down and just watched TV. I couldn’t eat or drink anything. After my parents got back, I did have a little bit of water and took the last pain pill before the surgery.

That was the longest night of my life. I couldn’t sleep. Not only was I in pain, my parents snore. AHH!!! So if I would doze off, I’d wake up to snoring. I had my MP3 player on with headphones so as to drown out the noise, but I was so restless I think I kept pulling the ear buds out. I got up early that next morning and watched my parents eat what looked like a yummy breakfast. I hobbled around. We packed up and my dad brought a wheel chair for me from the surgery place which was directly across the street. I went in, put on the awful gown, and just waited. I finally started getting tired. They put an IV in my for fluids and the anesthesiologist came in and numbed my foot. They turned me back over and they rolled me back to surgery. I was supposed to be awake for the surgery, but I don’t remember, probably a good thing. The last thing I remember saying was I can still feel my foot, freaking out because they were fixing to start the surgery and I didn’t want to feel it. I woke up in recovery, once I was actually awake, they took the IV out and let me get dressed. Then I hobbled to the car in my humungous splint they put on me. (It wasn’t a cast…weird) this thing was HUGE!

We went to see Robert before we left I think. He cried and cried. He still feels bad about what happened, but that’s why they call it an accident. I know he wouldn’t have purposely hurt my like that. He does know that I won’t ride an ATV with him for a long while. We drove home, dad drove Robert’s truck and mom drove me back in the Explorer. Robert stayed in Gunnison because he required extensive surgery.

The recovery process to me was irritating. I was in bed all day unless I went downstairs to eat. Stairs were fun. One step at a time. One day, I forgot about the stairs and swung forward on the crutches. I felt like Elmer Fudd chasing bugs, he’d keep going and look down only to see nothing, there’d be a gulp and then the whistle noise of him falling to the ground thousands of feet down. I skipped an entire flight of stairs and landed on my humungous splint. I was in severe pain at this point. Mom heard me and came to me, dad was outside. She got him and he carried me to the couch. Once the pounding stopped, I realized the splint had turned slightly. We went to the ER to get it looked at, to make sure I didn’t do any more damage. Thank God, I didn’t. That big splint really protected my foot. They did cut it off though and that felt good. They put a much smaller one on for a day. I could actually move more freely. The next day I got my boot on. The air cast one.

I was so grateful to get back to work. I couldn’t do much, but I wasn’t in bed all the time. I actually had the chance to get out of the house. I soon started doing too much, but it was worth it. I’d go to church with my parents by my side. I went to YAM and other activities I had going on. Robert came back that weekend we got back. Dad drove down and brought him back. He stayed a little while. Then dad arranged a flight for him and Robert arranged for some friends of ours and his to pick him up and he stayed with them for a little while before he went home.

Robert really stepped up during this time. I’m sure it was mostly guilt, but either way, he saved me thousands and thousands of dollars. I chose to do everything out of network because I had already met my surgery team. If I wanted to be in network, I would’ve had to go to the hospital, stay an extra day which we couldn’t afford, and have a completely different surgery team. Robert chose to pay for all this out of his own pocket. He didn’t have liability insurance where we were and so I was not covered in the accident at all by him. He is continuing to pay to this day for bills still coming in from the accident. I am very grateful to him for doing that. I know he can’t afford it, and the fact that he’d step up like that is great.

I am finally out of the boot, I think it’s been a few months or so. It’s great. I can move around like I want for the most part. My ankle is still real weak so on days I do a lot of walking, I use a brace. I decided to help me get stronger and slightly more fit, to join a gym. One day I had the guts to actually try running. I did it! I can now run a half mile. Not all at once unfortunately since I can’t control my breathing (never figured that out…ideas anyone?), and my ankle starts throbbing after a little while of running. The first day I did the half mile, I could barely walk after, my ankle kept giving out on me. It was a good day though. I’m glad I can run. It is a huge accomplishment for me. I still have the bruising in my foot which I’d like to go away because I hate the way it looks. Makes it look like I have a dirty foot. I still have numbness going up my leg which the doc things is from the bruising. Thankfully it’s nothing that really affects me, I just get annoyed when I touch a certain part of my lower leg to scratch it and all of a sudden it feels numb.

The last six months have truly flown by for me. I am still healing. There are still things I’m afraid to do and things I can’t do. I have a lot more healing to do and all I can do is be patient and wait for that healing to finish. God has helped me through all of this. I was mad for a little while, but I can see that God’s hand was in it all. He really protected me. I should be dead right now, but I am alive. Thank you God for allowing me more time on this earth.

Okay, so I’m sure you wanted to read me reliving what happened august 13th and 14th, sorry. Just wanted to get it out there, it’s therapeutic I think.

Reflections

2009-01-12T07:39:00.002-07:00

It is amazing as I reflect back on the last 22 years of my life. One things comes to mind, what happened to the time? I feel like yesterday I was still in Texas, I had my friends, my best friends, we’d hang out and pretend to be archaeologists and dig in the parking lot of a private school down the road. We’d often find what our imaginations thought were dinosaur bones. Sometimes I miss being a kid. It’s weird growing up. As children, we rely on our parents for everything. For food, shelter, money…etc. Parents are a child’s world. I have so many fun memories as a kid. I also have the awful ones I with I could forget. I have been through things no child should ever have to go through. Along with those memories came secrets kept for years. I came to the Lord at a young age thanks to the teachings of friends and family.

At the age of 6 I came to know Jesus as my Lord and Savior. At that young age though I still did not know what that meant. I don’t remember where I was when I came to Christ. I always thought I did it because of my brother. According to my parents, my grandma had taken me to her room and sat me down and talked to me for a while. That is when I came to know Christ. I wish so badly I could remember that. That was the year my grandma died.

With getting older has come realizations about myself and the people around me. With getting older the yearning to remember things I cannot from my childhood gets stronger. They say with great power comes great responsibility. I also believe that is true with age. The older I get, the more responsibility I have. I have my own things. Most of the items I have are mine. I have paid for them with my money. I did not have to rely on my parents to buy me these things. I have a job. It is an amazing job and I am so blessed to only have had this job. I have been with Crawford Broadcasting since I was in high school. This year will mark seven years. Seven years with the same company and I am only 22 (going on 23 soon). That is a major accomplishment. Not only have I been with the company seven years, but I am also now management. I am Chief Engineer. I figured I’d eventually get to chief engineer, but not till I was 40 or something.

With getting older has come more knowledge of who my Lord and Savior is. With age has come forgiveness, of myself and of others. With age has come a broken heart. With age has come the loss of old friendships but also the formation of new friendships.

I praise God for His wonderful work in my life. In 22 years he has given me thousands of chances. No matter how many times I’ve screwed up, He is there waiting on me. He has brought me to a place of forgiveness for those who have deeply hurt me. He has healed me from most of those hurts. He continues to heal me of other hurts. He has blessed me with amazing friends. With people that help to encourage me, to comfort me and to just call me on my crap. My God is an amazing God. I have no doubt I am doing what He wants me to be doing. I have no doubt I am here because He has called me here.
The last 22 years have been amazing. I have no regrets. With everything I have done, good or bad, I have learned and I know without those things, I would not be who I am today. I hope to have many many more amazing years here on this earth. I can only try to do what God has called me to do. I can only try to be who He has called me to be. I will love my Savior with all my heart. I will live for Him only and rely on Him in every aspect of my life. I have no doubt I will fail at that often, but I will try. I love my Father and He loves me.

Thank you Lord for the amazing 22 years you have given me.

Christmas Time

2008-12-24T06:41:00.000-07:00

Christmas is almost here. Two more days. I will admit, growing up, Christmas was all about the gifts I got. I was young and didn’t really get the fact that Jesus was born for me and he died for me. I used to wake up several times in the night, starting at midnight, and I’d go look and see if Santa had been to our house. It was like clock work. Every Christmas, I’d wake up every two hours or every hour to go look. One Christmas he had been there. My stocking was so full, so I decided to peek. My stocking ended up falling off the mantle because of how heavy it was. I could hear my dad coming so I hid in the kitchen, getting ready to climb into a cabinet if he chose to go in the kitchen. He fixed my stocking and went back to bed. I stayed in the kitchen a while and finally after my heart stopped pounding, I went back to bed. I just loved waking up bright and early Christmas morning, getting mom up and we’d all open presents. Mom would always sort them out so we would all have our presents nearby. Then one at a time we’d open them. Typically me, my brother, then mom then dad would open presents. In the midst of all that, there was usually a cat running around playing with the wrapping paper. Now we have an old cat who could care less and another one that is probably afraid of all the noise.

Now that I’m older, I know the real meaning of Christmas. I know this isn’t the time of year when Jesus was born. But we still celebrate it at this time. Praise God for sending His ONLY son down to earth, making Him live a life here on earth, in this evil place. Making him be betrayed and beaten and hung on a tree. For us, it all started at Christmas, when we celebrate the birth of this Loving Savior. Instead of focusing on presents, we should be praising God. Thank you Jesus for living the life you did. For coming to this earth to save all of us that will choose to follow you. Thank you!

2008-12-12T20:32:00.000-07:00

It's been a while apparently. Nothing too new. I've been working two jobs for two months now and it's taking it's toll. Let me clarify, I'm doing my old job, and the chief engineer's job. Two jobs. Anyways, I am walking now. And I woke up with pink eye. I'm ticked. And in pain.

On a more positive note

2008-10-28T20:54:00.000-06:00

I did ride the ATV yesterday for the first time since the accident. It was a lot of fun. Pretty much went up the dirt road with David and came back home. Five minutes. haha. Still, a first step. Praise God!

Jealous Rage

2008-10-28T20:20:00.000-06:00

You know what I find annoying? When people don’t know how to listen. My ex never seemed to listen to me. He would hear what he wanted and forget the rest. I told him I didn’t want to talk to him anymore after the way he treated me when we broke up. It all went fine for a while and last week he decided to text me. He acted like everything was okay. That things were back to normal. He told me about a division in the church. What he doesn’t seem to get is he is making up the division in the church. I don’t go to McCabe’s because God has put it on my heart to not step foot in that place. That it is not a place I need to be. I’m sorry if it offends people that go to our group, but I don’t take orders from them. They come from God.
After receiving the text I immediately let David know by asking him if he knew why my ex was texting me. He didn’t and he got pissed off. After I told my ex my thoughts on this “division” David called him and told him how it was. It’s nice to actually have a guy stand up for me; to protect me, even if I don’t really need it. It’s nice to finally be with a guy who cares. David also talked to a few other people about this to let them know the situation and to put an end to this nonsense that was being created.

Jealously is an annoying thing. It’s a sinful thing. People let it control them so much and it is sad to see. I have seen it in friends and in loved ones. It destroys them. Once you let that jealously take over, God is not in control….Satan is. Then I see these people fool themselves into believing it is God telling them this or that, when in reality, because they have given Satan that control, God isn’t telling them anything. He is waiting for that person to realize what is really going on and waiting on them to turn back to Him.

Do I want that friendship back? No. We weren’t really friends to begin with. We only hung out because we have the same friends. I have seen no change in him. He went back to that guy I didn’t like before we dated and why, now, would I want to still be friends? Out of respect for David and to myself, I will not be friends with my ex. Maybe after several years, but not anytime soon. I am so happy right now in my life. God has truly blessed me with David as well as with my new job. He has blessed me with making a friendship grow stronger and closer and with terrific, supportive family. He has blessed me by keeping me safe and my healing me during and after my accident. I have forgiven my ex, I forgave him a long time ago, but forgiveness doesn’t mean I have to be friends with him. Why not just move on? Why spread rumors about a person, creating problems that didn’t exist before? I just don’t get it. It saddens me to see it. I don’t see how a person who claims to love Jesus can do something like that. All I can do is pray for that person, and I do. I hope they see the error of their ways and repent of it. Once you let Satan in a little, he will destroy you. Unfortunately, Satan is that good at devastation.

Finally...time

2008-10-23T22:00:00.000-06:00

But not much. As always I have no idea how long it's been since my last post. Honestly, it feels like weeks. Maybe it has been, maybe it hasn't. Anyways, today the doc gave me the official okay to get rid of the boot. Since Sunday I haven't been wearing it anyway, but now it's really official which is nice.

My ankle is healing nicely. I can move it more now than I could beforehand. It's nice to finally wear shoes. haha.

Work is still going good. I've been super busy getting work done. I'm going on to almost fifty hours of work this week. It's crazy to think about but I'm liking it because I have things to do. I am exhausted too which is why i'm going to cut this blog short and go to bed.

New Things

2008-10-14T21:18:00.000-06:00

Wow, I've been acting Chief Engineer for a week and a half now. It is a very scary job. There are days where I wonder if I'll make it through. Every day though I seem to do it. I've had to deal with stations off the air, organizing, stations off the air, copper thefts, a building project and electricions. I have talked on the phone more this week than I have in years. i have been stretched as far as I can be stretch. I did get a very encouraging email yesterday from a fellow engineer. His words of encouragement are a great help to me. I actually printed up the five things he told me to always remember and I'm working on remembering them. It is truly only because of God giving me strength and helping me that I have made it this far. Pete, my assistant, has also been a great help and encouragement. He is learning all he can with what little I have taught him because of the chaos. He is constantly encouraging me in my learning process which I think is amazing. I am enjoying the pleasure of working with him. It's nice to work with someone you hate.

Another new thing is I'm dating again. Too soon??? In my mind, for me, no. There was a lot of prayer involved and me and my friend of seven years decided to take the next step in our friendship and date. It's been almost a month and it has been amazing. It's amazing how well we click. He is definitely a different guy, but he is an amazing guy. I'm curious for what God has in plan for us. I guess I'll find out.

My ankle is healing up nicely. When the weather gets cold it is very painful. Sunday was fun, cold and a bronco game and lots of walking. I survived though. Yesterday I had to clean my boot because it got muddy and I ended up soaking the inside of it. So, when I got home I put the twin to my boot on. Not my walking boot but a boot I've had for several years. They are hiking boots. I'm glad I kept them, especially since my other boots were destroyed in the ATV accident. Anyways, I walked a little bit with them on. I have been walking on and off with the boot off. One more week and hopefully I'll be walking with my tennis shoes on. The other day I heard sobbing come from my bathroom, I opened the cabinet where I keep my shoes and there were my left shoes, crying. It was a sad moment. I think they feel so alone. haha, okay craziness over.

That's all I got!

Panic!

2008-09-30T06:59:00.002-06:00

Wow, what a crazy couple of weeks it's been. It has been extremely stressful. I dream about work. When I don't dream about work, I just don't sleep well. Finding time to relax is hard. Why is this happening you ask? Well, Thurday the 18th, my boss Ed called me into his office. He informed me he had just put in his two weeks notice. I was then called in to a meeting with my dad who said I will be in charge. WHAT?!?!? Freak out time!!!! I had two weeks to learn everything. To add the pressure on, I was told that if I can do this job until January, it can become a permanent thing. That means I would get a raise and a promotion. Not intimidating at all.

So with this began the chaos. I had a nice little breakdown Thursday night as I was out with YAM. Perfect timing I must say. I have been feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed isn't even it, it's more than that. Superly overwhelmed? haha. This Friday is Ed's last day. That means starting Saturday I'm on my own. I did interview someone with my dad yesterday to be my assistant. This guy seems promising. We'll see if it works out if he does get hired.

So I guess a huge prayer request for me is that I will be able to do this. That I will have the knowledge to get the work done and might be able to get the promotion in January.

Confusing

2008-09-16T10:13:00.002-06:00

Why does life have to be so confusing? It's weird. Since my breakup, I've had a few bad days, mainly right after. Ever since, I've been fine with it all. Shouldn't I have a mental breakdown? I guess I'm just not like normal girls. Did I love Aaron? Yes I did. Maybe I'm okay with all of this because I saw how he hadn't changed, that he put on a facade for me. Maybe it's because God made is crystal clear to me Aaron wasn't the guy for me. That I just wanted him to be the one. In reality he held very little of the qualities I wanted in a guy. Why would I allow myself to settle? Why wouldn't I just go out there, make that list, and find that guy (or wait on God to bring that guy to me)?

Lately, I have been trying to really seek God. I know towards the end of my relationship with Aaron my walk with God had been going downhill. I would always find better things to do than spend time with Him. Then it got to where I was mad after the accident. I was mad he would allow this to happen to me. At the same time though, I was praising Him because I could see how He protected Robert and I. That we both could've been killed that day, and should've been killed. I still did not pray though. I would start and in my mind, I would pull a "JD." If you know about the show Scrubs and have seen it, you will understand that. If you don't, basically, I start having conversation in my head with myself, I will replay conversations I've had with someone or I will make up conversations I'd like to have with someone but know I won't. I will completely lose sight of God. I have gotten to where I read my bible every night. The only prayer that happens is I ask God to teach me something through what I read. I may read one verse or a chapter. It seems something is revealed to me through what I read, no matter how big or small.
I still can't do a real prayer though. I mean sit down, and just focus on God and have a real heart to heart. My mind just won't let me and it's beginning to get to me. Maybe I just need to get away from everything, and force myself somehow to push things out of my mind so I can focus on God and have a good conversation with Him.

I seem to be going through a lot right now that I'm trying to figure out. My heart says one thing, but what about God? With everything that happened before I just don't know. I know I lied to myself about God telling me it was the right thing to do, when deep down, I knew it wasn't. But how do you really know? How do I know if this is what God wants? How will I know, if I take this next step, that this is what God wants? What if I get to that point again where I'm lying to myself? How will I know if I am lying to myself?

Laura Ingram

2008-09-12T22:26:00.003-06:00

For those of you in Denver who like Laura Ingram, she will now be on one of the stations I work for. Monday through Friday 7-10 am on AM 560 The Light. This is an amazing thing for us to have someone on national radio want to come to our station. We pray this will end up being a good move for us, and for Laura.

Ankle Stuff

2008-09-12T07:14:00.002-06:00

In case you couldn't figure it out, I've been preoccupied and just haven't been blogging much.

Quick update on my ankle. I went to the doctor Tuesday the 9th and he doesn't want me to put weight on the foot for another two weeks. This obviously upset me a great deal since I am tired of not being able to get around easy (not that walking with crutches will help much). He ended up saying I can put extremely light weight on it, with crutches and the boot only! He doesn't want to know about it though. lol. I go back in two weeks, on the 23rd, and he hopes to have me walking and no more crutches. At the rate I'm going I'm never going to get better. Over the last year at work, they remodeled. This remodel included new floors on the first floor. These floors are extremely slick when wet. This morning as I walked into the building my crutches went forward and just out of habit, my bad foot hit the ground and I put more pressure on it than I should have. This caused me quite a bit of pain. I plan on calling building management because of this safety risk, not only to handicapped people, but to anyone walking into the door. Whoever thought of those floors was a complete idiot. This building is the most unfriendly handicapped place I've been to. It's ridiculous.

Wow

2008-09-02T12:54:00.003-06:00

I didn't realize it has been two weeks. Well, I fell down the stairs last Monday which was a fun experience. I more like flew. I am in a boot now, still not allowed to put pressure on my left foot. It is hard to get used to the boot. It actually hurts me more than not so when I'm at home doing nothing, I will take it off. It's nice to have a free leg. It doesn't hurt nearly as bad as it did before. I am taking ibproefen only for swelling now because my foot is still very swollen and colorful. Though it is looking better. It seems, to me, that I am healing up rather nicely. I go back to the doc in one week to see where we are at. I hope I can start walking at that point and that I can get my foot wet where the incision is, it will make baths much, much easier.

I have been getting out on and off this weekend. It has been very nice to not be cooped up in my room. Mom and I bought dad some Jeff Dunham DVDs and we had to test one out and watched Achmed the dead terrorist. It cracks me up every time, infidel! "Shut up! I keel you!" lol.

She and I had a nice relaxing weekend. She finally finished her Christmas cards. She was going to finish them in Lake City, but the accident happened. So yesterday she finally had time to finish making them. Now she can write in them. haha. I relaxed and got to watch two of my shows that premiered last night. It was very nice. Things are getting easier to do. Well, not a lot, just a few major things, the biggest one, for me, is taking a bath.

It is amazing to me how I have noticed how much I need that left foot. I use it for so many things I never realized. It has been hard adapting to not using it. My right foot is definitely getting stronger because it is picking up the slack.

Today is another day at work. It has been adventurous as we have had to deal with stupid copper thieves, servers going down, people sending email too big to too many people, therefore breaking out mail server, computer monitors dying, and much more. It has kept Ed busy. Most of it I cannot deal with because of my foot. So I've done what I can and tried to stay out of the way the rest of the time.

Okay

2008-08-19T14:39:00.002-06:00

Well an update. Robert flies back to Dallas/Fort Worth tomorrow afternoon. He will be staying with a friend in Fort Worth until the weekend. He is making progress with his movement. I am doing okay. Today was my first day back to work. I have tomorrow off as dad can't go in to work because he's taking Robert to DIA. Crutches are real hard to use. Very tricky. I haven't fallen on my face yet, but have come very close. I am down to one pain pill every 8-9 (sometimes more) hours. Once I'm off pain pills and have for sure no more surgeries, I can get my life insurance. (sorry side note) I plan on spending the day at home tomorrow relaxing. My dad will be taking Robert's ATV to a repair shop after the airport, then storing Robert's truck at a transmitter site where we have a garage.

Work has been interesting today. Nothing eventful. Everyone seems to have chipped in and gotten me some beautiful roses. They brighten up my office quite a bit. I have a pic on my phone I'll try to remember to add at some point. I had some friends come over last night and bring me flowers and balloons. I have had two other people bring me flowers too. Even though none of them read this blog, thank you guys! It means a lot. My room is so much prettier with flowers. :) After posting the blog on here and on facebook about food I had several people respond which helped a whole lot. Thanks to everyone who offered. I think we are okay for now. Once Robert leaves, things will be easier I think.

I go to the doc on the 26th and we'll see if i can get a cast!

Needs

2008-08-16T11:37:00.001-06:00

I apologize to those of you on facebook who have read a post similar to this. Feel free to ignore this post. For those of you who don't go to my facebook, this is for you. If you are able, we are in need of meals. I think we are good until Thursday or Friday. However after that we have nothing. We don't need much. Starting Wednesday it will just be Mom, dad and I. My mom will be able to do more so even just simple things like a thing of instant mashed potatoes. We just want something simple for my mom to cook. She hasn't been sleeping due to nightmares ever since the accident. I want to try to make this all as easy as possible for her to get through the days. If you are able to help out in any way please comment here or email me (GirlFlute@comcast.net). We would appreciate anything you can do for us.

Thank you!!

OUCH!!

2008-08-16T11:37:00.000-06:00

Accident

2008-08-14T23:02:00.004-06:00

So for those of you who haven't heard, I was in an ATV accident yesterday (Wednesday) with Robert. We were coming down a fairly easy trail and Robert got to going too fast. He lost control on a turn and off we went. I must say, it's true when they say in tramatic situations your whole life flashed before your life in a second. I think the ATV rolled right over me and Robert. I tried to get to the radio because the ATV was closest to me. I couldn't move. I knew as soon as I tried to move my ankle was broken. Robert was able to get to the radio and call my parents for help. They got up there quickly. Dad carried me to the ATV and slowly, and I mean SLOWLY rode down to the car. He then took my phone and rode down the road. He couldn't get cell service but found a guy working on his CDOT truck and he radioed the sheriff. Those guys got up there fast. Mom stayed with Robert to keep him awake and to not leave him alone. Dad drove me into town to the medical center where they did X-Rays and gave me some morphine. :) Good stuff, if only they would've given me enough to work on the pain. They sent me to Gunnison to the hospital there for surgery. So dad killed time by going to the cabin, letting the owners know what was going on and getting stuff we'd need. Finally Robert and my mom came down in an ambulance and a private vehicle (aka a suburban type vehicle the emergency rescue people use). Mom went with us because she had hurt her foot trying to get to Robert's guns. She lost her footing and her foot twisted weird. Robert had to stay to get looked at. We went to Gunnison. No one communicated apparently what to do so that was fun. Finally got to an orthapedic surgeon and after several hours, he numbed my foot, at my request, and set it and put it in a splint for the night. We stayed the night at the Comfort Inn directly across the street. My parents drove back to Lake City to get Robert's truck and ATV which were still up at the staging area, and to pack the cabins. Surprisingly enough, Robert's ATV worked and dad was able to get it loaded. The owners of the cabins were amazing. They had already been packing ours and Robert's stuff so my parents wouldn't have a lot to do. I was able to get onto facebook at the hotel to kill time and with the snail like internet got on facebook and sent an email and couldn't stand the slowness anymore. I went back to the room and watched tv and dozed on and off while I waited on mom and dad. They got back at 10 and finally, after getting everything we needed (nothing was easy to find), went to bed around 11. At 12 my arm started throbbing because the surgeon nurse left my IV thing in my arm so they wouldn't have to stick me again today. I loosened up the splint for that but no luck. After several hours I just took the splint off and was real careful all night to not bend my arm. This morning my foot was killing me. The pain pills helped some. But my foot still hurt. Went to visit Robert and poor guy couldn't look at me without crying. He feels awful, which he should, and won't stop beating himself up over it. I've forgiven him for his poor judgement, he knows that. Then we went back to the hotel, who graciously let us check out 30 minutes after checkout because they knew I had to have be in the pre-op at 11:30. So dad went to buy some tie-downs for Robert's ATV to keep it from hitting and breaking his window (the brakes are gone now). He also bought me a nice pair of crutches to use. I went in to pre-op at 11:30 and around 1 or so they took me in for surgery. I am assuming they knocked me out. I remember seeing the doc and then next thing I know I'm being wheeled into my post op room. lol. Fun times. My splint is huge! I'll take pics at some point and post them. They numbed me up good, I can't move my toes my feet are so numb, or maybe i'm thinking about it too hard because I could move them earlier. My parents and I drove back right after. Dad drove Robert's truck and mom drove the Explorer with the trailer. It was a nice drive, restful, full of me icing my foot every 20 minutes, 20 minutes on, 20 minutes off.....and so on. Im glad to be home. My aunt and uncle brought us KFC for dinner. I came upstairs and got in bed, propped my foot up and told my mom where all my stuff went because i can't do anything. Fun times! lol. Now I get to try to sleep. There's my one paragraph update. ENJOY!!!

Thoughts, written out

2008-08-07T09:43:00.003-06:00

I know someone who has completely changed and yet, at the same time, is the same as she always was. She sits in silent reflection on her life in the last year and can replay everything that happened in slow motion, something she’s never been able to do before. She remembers all the happiness she felt. She was couldn’t wait to see him and talk to him every day. They were so happy together. They would talk for hours and hours, taking in each word spoken. They would surprise each other with random gifts left on each other’s car. It was fun. They would always make time for each other, no matter how tired they were.

Then it happened, it got too good. She started pulling away. Not wanting to be around him all the time. She felt smothered. She just wanted space. He took this as something completely different. Something completely out of line. Did he not know her well enough to know she would never do anything like that? That it was despicable in her eyes? He swears that’s not what he meant, but when you ask that question, it can only mean one thing. This changed their relationship forever. All trust was lost because of this question. They began seeing each other only on the weekends. Doing practically nothing but attending church activities together. She would get annoyed when talking to him. Finding little things to fight about. He got lazy and refused to be a man of God. He didn’t seem to care at all about what the bible said about certain things. He would say he did but actions spoke louder than his words. He said he was doing things, but nothing ever came of it. He constantly had doubts about whether or not he was saved. About whether or not he really knew Jesus Christ. She just brushed these thoughts off thinking things will get better. He would never remember things she told him. Things important to her, unless they affected him. This hurt her more than she ever thought possible which made her withdraw even more.

They began only seeing each other once a week…maybe. They didn’t talk as much either anymore. She couldn’t stand the arguing and to stop it she quit talking as often. She quit telling him things that he’d forget because she couldn’t take the hurt anymore. She loved him more than anything in the world, but love wasn’t enough. Love couldn’t keep them together. God had other plans. Not the plans they thought. One night He made it all crystal clear after things were said to her to confirm God’s Will. He ended some of things, but she couldn’t see how anything else could work out so she ended everything. Knowing God wanted this. He was not in a place where he should be in a relationship. He wasn’t in a place where he really knew God’s Will. He couldn’t hear God’s voice in his own life. How would he know what God really wanted for the relationship. He hadn’t changed anything with God in the year they were together it turns out. That night everything was confirmed. That night he became a man she didn’t know anymore. He had completely changed. He treated her differently, he didn’t treat her with love any more. Her heart was shattered, again, by this man.

It feels as though her heart may never heal.

At a Loss

2008-08-04T07:32:00.002-06:00

It's so hard to describe how I am feeling right now. Yesterday was an easy day, but this morning when I woke up it all hit me again. It's hard to think I'm single and not getting married in May. I am so greatful to God for giving me the answer to a question I have had for so long. It wasn't one I wanted but I know what I did was right. God brought so many things to light Saturday night and has given me peace about the decision. I am glad I am done with it. No more fighting, no more being in two different places. No more of being the strong one because I don't have a man leading me. It was without a doubt one of the hardest decisions of my life, but God made it clear what I needed to do. I can't even begin to describe how I feel about all of this. I can only pray for God's comfort and just wait for the healing to happen.

Blah!

Final Days

2008-07-31T06:55:00.002-06:00

Today is the last full day the kids are in town. This week has been okay. I have been just plain exhausted. It's weird and I do not know why. It's not like I'm staying up late. I am getting up early so I can see the kids Friday before they leave. It's been tough being social with them as I can barely function. I find myself at 7 and 8 at night falling asleep. This happened last year also. I just couldn't function. After these past two weeks the idea of having children is a dim one. I am sure I will want to have children but if I am this tired after only two weeks of being around the kids after work on the weekdays and then on the weekends, what will it be like 24/7?

We got the kids' hair cut Monday. We talked to their mom because they needed and wanted hair cuts. We came out of it with Sean having short red spiked hair. The red washed off in the shower (it was temporary) and Sara came out with a shorter cut and some green streaks, which too washed out in the shower.

Tuesday was a good day. Not necessarily for me in general. The day was a lazy day as I couldn't function and I was busy working with Linux, trying to learn it all day. The day ended with my parents talked to the kids about Jesus Christ. I didn't really know what was going on and I was hurt that they did not invite me to go in to talk to the kids too as it was something I wanted to be a part of. I did talk to my dad about this yesterday and there was resolution. Anyways, both the kids came to the Lord Tuesday night. the 29th of July, 2008. Praise God. Sean seems real serious about it. He has so many questions and fears that we are trying to teach him. Sara just seemed like she was doing it to just do it. I hope she starts taking it seriously. I spoke to dad yesterday and we both agreed we should get the kids a bible. So mom and I went after work and found a boys and a girls bible. It was the same bible, just different colors and one is for boys and one is for girls. The translation was one I've never heard of: God's Word Translation. We weren't sure about this so we read through several verses we knew and all looked legit. We let dad look over it again when we got home and he agreed, it was good.

Sean was really excited when he got his bible. He immediately took it out of the box and started looking through it. I had to talk Sara into actually looking at it. Sean is adorable. We let them read until they fall asleep at night so he gets in to bed and puts his hands together and prayed. Then he read some of his bible. Sara just put hers up and didn't read. Please keep this in your prayers. Their mom we don't really know if she is a Christian. She says yes but she does not live the life. She won't let the kids get baptized (they thought this meant they were saved...we explained the truth to them about this). Please pray that they will both change their lives and will impact their mother to maybe bring her to Jesus Christ. I do hope the Lord works and will wake Sara up and that Sara will get serious about her walk with God, even at such a young age. I do hope they both find good christian friends to help them grow and that will be a good example. I told them both last night they can always call to ask questions they may have about God and the Bible.

Yesterday the kids spent the day at a friend of my parents' house. They have kids Sara and Sean's age and from what I heard, they had a great day. We went later on in the day and we grilled hamburgers and hot dogs and talked a lot. It was fun. They have two adorable dogs that were fun to play with and were also very entertaining. We got home late and man was I tired. I had to quickly take a shower so we could get the kids showered and in bed. I think I somehow managed to get to bed before 10, i think only a few minutes before 10 as I was watching Saved By The Bell and it was almost over.

Tomorrow the kids go home. It will be a sad day and I will miss them greatly, but I also look forward to it. I have to do a deep cleaning of my bathroom so I feel better about what all happened there and I also look forward to a weekend without my parents being home. They are having to go to Grand Lake to pick up our fishing stuff and are staying the weekend. I plan on being as lazy as I possibly can and watch X Games 14!!!!! WOOHOO!!!

2008-07-28T21:16:00.000-06:00

Sara is finally doing better. Still can't eat much, but doing better. She keeps gagging herself while brushing her teeth. We think it's to get attention. It is getting my attention because she keeps getting sick in my sink. Blah. I will be doing a massive cleaning Friday after the kids leave.

I took Friday as a vacation day and spent the day with the kids. I don't think we did much of anything. I really do not remember to be honest. Saturday, we went to the Denver Aquarium. The kids had a blast. They even got to touch the stingrays. That was awesome.
We went home after and after a little while I took the kids to the pool. Sara was still feeling good so that was fun to do. They both had a blast being able to swim with each other. They didn't kill each other either which was great. We had pizza for dinner which didn't sit well with Sara. Thankfully she made it to the toilet instead of my sink. Sunday they went to church with my parents since they didn't get to go with them last weekend. I was a bit bummed because I was hoping to take them to EHCC with me. Oh well, the peace was appreciated. Aaron spent the day at the house.

We took the kids to see Kung Fu Panda which was an adorable movie. The kids enjoyed it very much. I heard a lot of laughter during the movie and a lot of talk about the movie after. Then we hung out at home the rest of the evening. Ate dinner, yummy grilled chicken! Then Aaron went home around 6:30 so I could get some stuff done. With that extra time, I was able to take a bath, clean my mom's bathtub (she has been nice enough to let me use hers while the kids are here), get the kids showers done, get their beds made, get all my work stuff together, clean up emails, and much more. I am very glad I got so much done.

Today I think I may try to study some for my HAM test. If I have down time at work, I'll study here, otherwise I'll try at home. My goal was to have the book done by Friday, at this rate, I won't be. I really need to study. I hope at Lake City this year I actually can motivate myself to study.

That's all I've got for now.

Update

2008-07-23T21:16:00.002-06:00

Well, the doc basically just wrote out a prescription for Sara for her stomach, to keep it from hurting. Shortly after getting home she got sick all over the place and my mom called the doc back to say she got worse. He sent us to the hospital in case it was appendicitis. After waiting what seemed like an eternity they finally took us to the back where they gave Sara an IV and took her blood and gave her some medicine via the IV. She started getting some color back and looking better. She even was talkative again. After another forever time, we went home. She laid around on the couch watching TV most of the night. She drank too much gatorade at once so she started feeling sick again. Then we tried to get her to take her medicine the doctor prescribed, it didn't go well. She kept gagging. We ended up dissolving it in her drink. She drank it and is now sleeping. I hope she gets well soon!!!

Prayer

2008-07-22T21:26:00.001-06:00

Please be praying for my niece Sara. As I mentioned last post she caught a virus. She has been real sick again all day. She is now throwing up with blood in it. We think it's from dry heaving but not sure. We have a doc appointment tomorrow at 10 am. Pray that he figures out what is wrong with her. We would really appreciate it. I'll post an update tomorrow once I find out what the doctor says.

A few things about this past week

2008-07-22T07:02:00.007-06:00

So far this has been an adventurous time with the kids around. We all went to the cabin for Friday night and Saturday. Christyn came with and had a great time. We roasted marshmallows, made smores and played around Friday night. Then Saturday we went to Rocky Mountain National Park. Ate lunch in town, took the kids swimming in the lake. The water was ice cold. It didn't phase Sara. She loved it. Sean wouldn't really go in the water. It was cute. We drove home late Saturday evening and ate dinner at Jack in the Box. Sara started feeling sick and actually ended up getting a virus. She was sick all day Sunday. Christyn and mom ended up taking her to the ER that night and they gave her some medicine. Yesterday she was feeling a little better, not much, but a little. We are hoping today she will be 100%.

Aaron and I took Sean swimming Sunday afternoon while everyone else was sleeping. He had a blast. I had gone to Walmart after church to buy both the kids noodles. He went to the 5 1/2 feet part of the pool and was so happy he could. He made a friend at the pool who let him use his big yellow floaty. We were there well over an hour. I don't think my legs got any tanner, oh well. I don't think you need sunglasses anymore to see me. :)

We bought Sean Ben 10 for his Nintendo DS last night too. He loves Ben 10. Honestly, I do to, well, I like it. I discovered it last year when he was here. He watched that show every time it was on. He immediately opened the package when I gave it to him, well, not immediately. There might've been a shriek of excitement and a loud THANK YOU AUNT AMANDA!!! Followed by a THANK YOU GRANDMA!!!! Then he started playing it and kept playing it all night. We also bought him a Chronicles of Narnia game that he didn't like. I'll return it today and see if I can find another game. Game Stop is one of my favorite places because I can get good games cheap. :)

I have absolutely no idea what we are doing today. If Sara is feeling good I'd like to go to the water park down the street and let the kids run around. Or maybe just take her to the pool. I need to talk to mom about if we can take the kids to the zoo this weekend. I think they'd really enjoy that.

Anyways, below are some pics, no where near all the pics, but some.

This is at the water park up the street.

Mom, Christyn and Sara up at RMNP

A weird look from Sara

Sean showing me his marshmallow

Dad showing Sean something up at RMNP

Today is the Day

2008-07-16T14:36:00.001-06:00

Today my niece and nephew come into town with their mom. She will be with us until Monday, then she'll fly home. The kids will be here until August 1st. I am so excited. I love all three of them so much. Please be praying that my parents and I will be good examples and will be able to share the Gospel with them in a way they can understand and that their hearts might be ready to accept it.

Woohoo!!! 4 hours!!!!

Randomness

2008-07-09T11:41:00.002-06:00

On the way home yesterday I had my mom in tears laughing. haha.

This might've been why, the fact that I was taking random pictures of myself while driving.

This pic looks like I'm constipated or something. haha. Oh the funny faces I make.

Corporate

2008-07-08T11:43:00.003-06:00

I am pathetic today. You see Corporate, well Mr. Crawford, the owner of the company, is in town. So all the managers and pretty much everyone but the engineers and board ops are in meetings all day. Ed and I are dressed nicer than usual so the work we need to get done can't be done because we will ruin our clothes.

When Mr. Crawford is in town you know it. Everyone dresses up. It's a panic because things need to be done. I try to keep engineering (where our workshop and equipment is) clean. Sometimes it gets hard because Ed doesn't know how to clean up after himself. So it all falls on me and when we are working in there constantly things get messy. I try to take time at the end of every day to clean up. Put equipment up and sweep and such. I enjoy it for the most part. But when it's because of my boss' laziness it gets old. Anyways, back to the topic. Basically everyone wants to look and be there best when Mr. Crawford is in town. So today is a wee bit stressful but also boring for me. I even cleaned my office yesterday knowing the chances of him seeing it are slim to none. For me it's the idea that I want it to be the best. I want engineering to look the best it can, I want to look the best I can to show Mr. Crawford my appreciation for him. For all the hard work he does with this company. For allowing me to keep my job even though I don't think I deserve it for anything. For paying for my schooling when I did that. He has done so much for my family and me and nothing I do can ever express my gratitude to him. All I can really do is be the best I can in my life and at work.

Yet another

2008-07-08T10:15:00.002-06:00

So, there are quite a few new posts for today on here so be sure to keep scrolling down to see everything. This will most likely be my last one unless something comes to mind to blog about.

I have gotten to where I watch Animal Police: Houston. It was on before I went to bed. This show is on Animal Planet. It's about the HSPCA and them trying to save animals from cruelty. There are some things you see and are just in shock. The guy last night said it best, "If you don't want an animal, why keep it?" He said this after going to a property that had about seven or eight dogs in small kennels, kennels so small that they cannot move, they had them tied up. It was awful. Very little food, you could see the ribs on some dogs, and disgusting water.

After seeing how people treat animals and realizing these things go on, it broke my heart. I have a love for animals. Even though I kill some, mainly ones that can destroy station property. I still love them and don't want to see them suffer. I decided that if I ever could, which I can't because of my current work hours, I would love to work with the Aurora SPCA if they have one or Denver or someone. I want to help find these people that are being cruel to animals and watch them get their animals taken away, and watch hopefully most of them get rehabilitated and adopted out to loving homes. I also want to watch those people get put in jail or severely fined for their cruelty. I do believe God put us in charge of the animals but I don't think he intended them to be treated cruely.

I don't get why people do that. It makes no sense to me. If you are going to do this then why do you want the animal? I don't think people intend to be cruel, i just think they get stupid and careless. It's sad and I would like to help put a stop to it.

Photoshop fun

2008-07-08T10:12:00.004-06:00

So I told some the girls at my bible study last night, after we started talking about guns, about a parking sign I made. I couldn't find it on my computer so I took another pic of it. I have it posted on my door at work.

Basically, we have reserved parking at work. My sign just said Crawford Broadcasting Company Reserved Parking. It didn't say who it was for. So some CBC employees as well as other random people seemed to think they could park there. One week I had three people, two in one day park in my spot. So I took a pic of the sign, then photoshopped my .50 photo into it. Here is the final product:

I do have fun at work. I have decorated my door so people know it's my office:

SWEETIE!!!

2008-07-08T09:57:00.007-06:00

I too take lots of pics of my cat and so here is a long post with random pics and my comments.

This is one I took with my phone (as most of these are...hence the poor quality). She was looking down at me. Silly cat.

This is a funny pic as she could hear my camera for some reason and it woke her up. This is her, I'm asleep mom, leave me alone look. haha

She is trying so hard to sleep.

She has to prop herself up to clean. haha.

I put this elephant on my bed (I have lots), and she starts attacking it. This is the look of what? What did I do?

This doesn't happen too often. Both cats sleeping on my bed, together. I think this was the first time I saw it. They get jealous of each other and tend to sleep elsewhere. My cat in my bed and Nala (the black one) in my parents' bed.

I have nothing really to do now...

2008-07-08T09:55:00.002-06:00

So I'm posting random pics. This one I drew at work on my dry erase board. If I have a picture I can usually get it fairly close.

Coincidence

2008-07-08T09:52:00.002-06:00

My mom and I noticed this four years ago when we moved into our house as we were going to WalMart down off Aurora Parkway. The reason it's funny is because Alexander is my last name and Powers is the last name of my mom's best friend and of my best friends (her kids) growing up.

.50

2008-07-08T09:51:00.001-06:00

.50
Originally uploaded by roguealias04

This is a .50 Smith & Wessen. I never shot it. When my boss and my dad are shooting it and are falling backwards because of the kickback, i know not to even try. I'd end up ten feet back on the ground. But Robert took this pic.

The Past Week

2008-07-07T09:21:00.001-06:00

So it's been about a week I think since I last posted. Work has been crazy busy. We have so much we want to get done and it seems the list never ends. Sometimes I feel like we are beating a dead horse. It feels like we haven't even made a dent in our work. It gets discouraging at times but we persevere, well I do. I usually have to make Ed do some of the work too because he just won't do it. We mowed, weed wacked, plowed down prairie dog holes and loaded about 400-500 pounds worth of stuff into our dumpster. For some reason out by our butler building there was a man hold cover. Those things are heavy. A month or so ago we loaded it along with a bunch of other junk around that building onto our little John Deer tractor trailer. I hauled it over to the dumpster and we just left it on the ground because Ed couldn't really lift it alone and there was no way the both of us were going to get it into the dumpster. We ended up loading all the other junk first, letting that get taken away then rolled the manhole cover into the garage. We used the wench to lift it and rolled the dumpster in to dump it. Then we had to use Ed's wench on his truck to pull the dumpster back to it's spot as it was blocking our garage. Thankfully all the junk is now in a landfill somewhere.

Ed and I are trying to get things in engineering done as Mr. Crawford (the owner of the company) will be in town tomorrow. I always want engineering to look good, but for Mr. Crawford I want it to look really good!!!!!!!! While Ed has been doing some rewiring to get the wires away from just hanging in the room, I have been cleaning. We still need to finish up the blocks today, it will most likely be an all day job. And we also need to mop.

I need to clean my office up too. I like to clean it once a week and I don't think I cleaned it last week. I like my office to look clean and smell clean so I tend to get some 409 and spray everything down to disinfect and clean and then I spray some febreeze on the carpet and the chairs to keep everything smelling good.

I had Friday off for the 4th so Thursday night after work mom and I headed up to Grand Lake to meet my dad up there. He had left earlier in the day. The drive was very long as the traffic was crazy. A truck lost his load of wood on EB I-70 up in the mountains so WB was backed up as well because of people having to look at it. Did some fishing and didn't catch anything this weekend. Friday was relaxing. Mom and dad went ATVing for the day and I fished for about an hour and a half and then cleaned a little at the cabin and then watched a movie. What movie? I have no clue. I got so tired. My parents got back and took a nap so I put in Miss Congeniality 2, my favorite movie of all time. Next thing I know, it's near the end of the movie. I guess I fell asleep. I normally don't just fall asleep so it was weird. Usually I have to really work at it. haha. I was greatful for the small amount I got. Then I went fishing again with no luck and ate dinner, then we went fishing again and then went to town to watch the fireworks. It was amazing. There were a lot of drunks which was unfortunate. Someone got carried away in a stretcher before the show even began. We left before the end of the show and still got stuck in traffic. It took us an hour to make a ten minute drive. It was crazy. It was worth it though.

We got back to our cabin close to 11. I think it was actually 11:20. I still had to shower as I had sunscreen and bug stuff on and don't like sleeping with that. I finally fell asleep around 1 and had to wake up at 6 because I had doctors appointment in Engelwood at 10:30. Mom and I left around 7:15 and got to my house around 9:30. We had a half hour to unpack before we headed to the doc. Got my prescription so I could continue taking it, they did all the blood work and I am fine thankfully. The doctor was real happy with how well the medicine has worked after only a month. Saturday became a sort of relaxing day. Got back home and took a nap for about an hour, then I was wide awake. I had a couple hours till I was to meet some friends for dinner so I showered and got ready and headed out. We went to Outback Steakhouse and I think for the first time I ate my whole meal. I normally can't finish one of those steaks but I did. I didn't feel hungry either to begin with so that was weird.

I had church on Sunday which was good. And I hung out at home most of the day. Had to go to Urgent Care last night with my mom because of some stuff with Aaron. All is fine though. But better be safe than sorry. This time the doctor was more informative than last time. I kinda figured I knew what the problem was and I was right. Unfortunately you can't do anything about it. It's not something you can turn on and off. If only it were that easy, then Americans wouldn't think they were having heart attacks all the time.

Got home, finished getting stuff ready for my first day back to work and went to bed. Actually I watched some show on Animal Planet. It was pretty awesome. Then I went to bed and now here I am at work. As I write this several things are going through my head. I am still trying to figure out what all needs to be done. So far there are lots of things. I'm sure I'll get through them. Just gotta take it one step at a time.

Accutane

2008-07-01T21:30:00.002-06:00

So I am on accutane for my acne. I went into this knowing everything I possibly could about it. I did a ton of research because of what I had heard in the past. Thankfully my dermatologist monitors me like crazy. I have to go in for monthly bloodwork to make sure everything is fine. I was surprised at the results I got the first week. The box says that more than likely I would have severe breakouts, but no. My face actually cleared up. I think I had one or two zits but that was it. Thankfully the only two side effects I have had are the sensitivity to the sun, but really layering on sunscreen works, and dryness. For those of you who know me you know I have eczema, a skin disease as they call it. It's where you get severe dry itchy patches on your skin every once in a while. It's not deadly, just annoying. I have had it my whole life. Anyways, the medicine really dries me out. Therefore my eczema flares up. I have patches, big patches on my arms where it flared up. Boy do they hurt too. My lips are always dry and on the corners they have cracked. For those of you who have seen me NO, it is not a cold sore or anything, just cracked lips. I have been using carmex like crazy and before I go to bed I will use vaseline, especially on those corners. That has seemed to help a little. Because of the dryness my lips always feel slimy so if you see me wiping my lips a lot that's why. It drives me crazy. I have been trying to drink water but honestly, that only seems to make the problem worse. I think all those years of dr. pepper have screwed my body up. I have recently slipped on my diet on dr. pepper. I went down to one a day. Now I am back up to two or three a day on some days. On the days I drink two or three my body seems to be better with the dryness (the lips, not the skin). But when I go back down to one a day it gets worse. I think my body thinks dr. pepper is water or something. It's weird. I go in for my first follow up on Saturday and I definitely have questions for my doc. Mainly ones about the dryness. I constantly have a bloody nose which is not a good thing. Thankfully it doesn't come out, like a waterfall. It is very mild up there in that nose of mine. Vaseline helps that too but I have to use my saline rinse to clean that out.

For those of you considering accutane, I do recommend it. I think the benefits more than out-weigh the bad things. I am a month in to it and so far, so good. The doctors really monitor you to make sure you don't have any of the side effects. If you do start to have some of the more severe ones, you need to tell your doctor. You NEED to.

If any of you have been on it and have some remedies for dry skin let me know please! I need all the help I can get. I've been trying everything I can to get my skin to not be as bad as it is.

Taking Care of God's Stuff

2008-06-23T07:03:00.003-06:00

Many people think I'm a neat freak. My car is almost always clean, at least on the inside. My room is never visibly messy, although if you knew how I did things in my room, you'd know it's really dirty in my eyes. I keep things cleaned and organized (to a way that I can find what I need) not just because of OCD but also because I firmly believe God gave me everything I have. It is not mine and I need to take care of it. I hate it when people are like "Well yeah, I just don't do it anyway." What a way to treat our Heavenly Father. Am I saying that everything should be cleaned all the time? No. Obviously sometimes things are out of our control. Some people say well it's the woman's job to clean. All I have to say is never pull that line on me. I don't do that. I will not tolerate this macho way of thinking. Do I think it is a woman's job to take care of the house and stuff, yes. However I think the man should help as a way of showing love. There are things my mom can't do around the house so my dad does it for her because he loves her. He has never told her that she has to stay home, raise kids, and keep the house clean. That was her choice. He also chooses to help her when she needs it and sometimes when she doesn't just so show her he loves her. Back on topic. When you borrow someone from something, do you trash it? Say a shirt from your sister. Don't you try not to get anything on it because you do not want to ruin it? Why take such care with your sister's shirt when you don't even take care of what you have, what God has given you to take care of?

I met a guy this weekend that has this view of yeah God gave it to me but even if I do try to clean it's just going to get dirty again. That's a lazy way of getting out of things. You can say that with everything. What about cars? Why do we go to the car wash here in Colorado? Chances are by the next day the car will be dirty again because of whatever, dust, dirt, rain...etc. Why take care of that? Why not just forget about the car wash because the car is just going to get dirty again? Yes you may have kids, animals or just plain messy people living in your house. You may even be one of those messy people. Do I think these people should still try to keep things clean? Yes. Even if that means staying up a half hour later at night just to pick up the toys, to gather the trash or whatever. Everything, and I mean everything, no matter if you bought it with your own money (that God has provided through a job or other means) or if it were given as a gift, is God's. He has entrusted it to you to take care of. Treat it as such. It may prove to be difficult too. But if you do it as though you are taking care of what the Lord has given you, you will love it.

Let us all remember that God has entrusted everything we have, everything: cars, homes, yards, animals, food, books, pictures, bathrooms, everything!; to us. We need to take care of these things for our Lord Jesus Christ.

My Job

2008-06-18T12:38:00.014-06:00

I love my job. I get to climb towers (not all the way up, just a little ways), fix transmitters, mow, play with computers and so much more. I never do the same thing two days in a row. I do everything!!!

Here is that John Deere I get to ride around. It's fun. We have a much much bigger mower now we use, but I use this for around the buildings and to spray weeds. We have rigged a device to sit in the trailer for the mower and a sprayer that works with a light switch...yep, a light switch. We flip the switch on, the sprayer comes on, off turns it off. It's sweet.

This is looking up a tower I get to climb. No not up that way, we use the outside. I can't get in that small space. Thankfully we only climb these when there's a problem with a flasher nowadays. If a light is out we hire a guy, Pete from GRB, to come and climb with safety gear. It is definitely an experience the first time. You climb to the box, secure yourself with a climbing belt, then let go. That's so scary. You are tied in to the tower and you need both hands to do the work. I am still getting used to it.

Here is something I had to fix today. It was interesting taking it apart as it's a real pain in the....well, you know. I ended up having to bring this back to the studio because a resister disappeared. It just fried. We needed a magnifying glass to see what we were doing. Dad ended up doing this for me which was nice. I'm not comfortable with this stuff just yet and we had already messed up once and I didn't want us to run out of parts because we only have a limited number to use.

Here is a transmitter. The one two over from the right is our Nautel trasmitter for KLZ. It's small. You can see the four boxes in the middle with al the holes. The first one on the right has the big gap at the top because the equipment which goes there, our NE-IBOC, fried and we had to send it off for repair. That equipment is what makes KLZ digital. On that rack is also the Main/Aux switch for the transmitters and an audio processor. The dark blue rack next to the transmitter is the Auxiliary transmitter. We don't use that very often. It smells gross. Then the two bigger ones next to that are the phasors for KLZ and KLVZ night (we have a night transmitter there too, it's outta the picture).

This is my boss. I have nothing nice to say so I'm not gonna say anything. Those of you who know me know my issues I have with him and it is through God's strength I get through everyday.

This is the best part about work. Last year we had to get our drive area plowed at a transmitter because it was piled high with 4 feet of snow. It was crazy! I am so light I didn't sink in, however, Ed (the picture above this) did. haha. While I hung out watching these morons try to plow, I played in the snow. :)

Sometimes we can't get back to high power and can't figure out why. One day, we realized a bird flew into our line and got toasted. It was rather disgusting and I refused to touch it. Ed had to get it off.

Sometimes we find wildlife, such as bunnies, foxes, coyotes, prairie dogs, and on this one occasion last year, toads. We had an abundance of them at a transmitter. This one decided to start jumping up my arm. haha.

I even get to clean. During this cleaning, we replaced all the ceiling tiles at KLZ. They were disgusting and we got DIRTY!!! It was awful. I got so sick from all the dust. But now it's all pretty. Looks good now. We even painted that vent in the middle. It was completely rusted. Now it's all purty. haha.

I even get to play with fire. I'm not comfortable with this fact because to my luck I'll burn everything down. This fire looks like it's real close to our building out at this site but it wasn't. That's as far as it went. Thankfully, because we didn't have an extinguisher or anything in case it got out of control.

This is what happened when I forgot to put one connector back on. BOOM and it took out a while module. One little thing can cause so much to go wrong. I hope I never forget that again.

Anyways, I felt like posting some on my job so there it all is. There is so much to tell but I'll just stop there for now.

Father's Day

2008-06-17T07:20:00.006-06:00

So Sunday, Aaron and I decided to surprise my dad for Father's Day. He and my mom had gone up to our cabin in Grand Lake for the weekend. It was a nice drive, no traffic and just plain beautiful. We got there and my dad was at church. My mom hadn't gone because she wasn't feeling well. She had gotten a bit of food poisoning. So while we waited Aaron and I went to the canal up the street to fish. My mom texted me about a half hour later letting me know dad was back and we went and surprised him. He was so happy. He loved his gifts and cards. I took us all out to a lunch I shouldn't have. Note to self: restaraunts are more expensive in the mountains. Regardless of price it was worth it. We then headed into Rocky Mountain National Park to show Aaron some of it and also to enjoy the beauty of God's creation. While in the park we saw a moose and some elk.

The moose is the one that is behind the brush. I know, not much to see. We were a ways from it and i had to really zoom in and it was real hard seeing on my camera. By the time I got my shot off he has gone there. The one of the elk is the same elk in both pics. He is a beauty.

Anyways, after the park we went fishing at the canal again. I fished with a lure, mom and dad used power bait. We all three caught a fish. It was so cool. My dad caught one. Then a little while later I get a bite and reel it in and while I'm trying to get my fish out of the net, my mom gets a fish. Her's was a big fish. It literally almost pulled her into the water because it fought so much. We were able to release mine back to the canal but mom and dad's both died so dad got himself a nice fish dinner tomorrow.

Aaron and I headed back to Denver at 6:30. We got back to Denver after what seemed like an eternal drive, around 10. I was exhausted. I almost didn't make it home. I felt like just pulling over and sleeping.

Sunday was a great day and I'm so glad I got to go surprise my dad. :)

Prayer Needed

2008-06-08T15:54:00.002-06:00

Friends of our family have lost their father and husband. This came as a shock to the whole family. He was fine, then he was dead. They have no idea what it was. From the sounds of it, it might've been a brain anneurism. Please pray for this family. They are not believers in Christ and really need God. Pray for healing and that by his death they may come to know Christ. He was only 36.

Things I Noticed while Listening

2008-06-06T09:58:00.002-06:00

It is amazing the things I notice when I am not reading it but instead listening to it. I have been listening to the book of Matthew now when I am alone in my car. I get to go through so much of the bible and spend time with my Heavenly Father. How awesome is that?

Anyways, I never noticed Jesus' hint to the end of times. To Revelation. I have read it time and time again but never noticed it until I heard it. I love how in Matthew 24:29 states that "Immediately after the distress of those days 'the sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light; the stars will fall from the sky, and the heavenly bodies will be shaken.'" I never noticed that before and it was an amazing feeling to hear it.

There have been several times in Matthew where I will hear something and it just hit me. It is a great feeling.

One other part that baffled me is when Jesus was eating with the disciples at the last supper. He is telling his friends about what is going to happen to them. He says one of them will betray them but they are all like, "No, not me. Never Jesus!" Then he lets them know it is Judas who will betray them. At this point Judas knows. He knew to begin with but now he knows Jesus knows what He did. Even at the dinner table, he seemed to feel remorse for wanting to betray Jesus. Judas told Jesus, "Surely not I, Rabbi?" Why ask this if you know you did it? I would only ask that if I didn't mean to do what I did. If I regreted it. Then at that point, I would not have ever waited again for that moment to hand Jesus over. If I would've been one of the twelve, I would've tackled Judas, tied him up and held him captive or something so he wouldn't be able to betray Jesus. Instead they just left him and Jesus was captured and crucified. I understand this all had to happen. But at this comes the idea of predestination, which I won't get too much into. Did they not do anything because they just didn't believe Jesus or was it because God had already predestined Jesus to be crucified and to fulfill this Judas who was predestined to betray Jesus had to in fact betray him? I don't believe at all in predestination. I think God knows what will happen but I don't think he will change it. Otherwise why wouldn't he have made us all His followers. God loves us so much he let His Son die for us. Why then would he allow some people to die and go to hell? I think predestination is something some idiot thought of years ago to justify why he didn't believe in God.

Sorry for the small rant. It also never hit me in Matthew when he went to Gethsemane how torn up Jesus was about dying. Yes, he wanted to save these people but, let's face it, God is God. He can do ANYTHING!!! He could've found a different way to save all of us. Instead he let his Son die for us. This goes back to the song I posted on before. I think Jesus, although he wanted to do this for us, he also didn't. He was just torn between the two. I'm sure he knew there was no other way, but he wanted to check. He is just crying out to his Father saying please, please is there another way!?!?!? This is a human reaction. Jesus was human. When I am told to do something I don't really want to do I will ask again and again. Are you sure? There isn't another way to get this done? And when there is no other way, I do it. But what hit me with this part of Matthew is his heart. He was so torn up he fell to the ground. He FELL TO THE GROUND!!! I have never fallen to the ground because of how torn up I am inside. I cry, I weep, I pray, but never do I fall to the ground. He asked his Father THREE times to please please find another way so He doesn't have to leave His friends. He wanted to stay here, for a little while, live a life, then die, then go be with His Father. He didn't want to go through the pain of being flogged, beaten, battered, and crucified. That is a slow and painful death.

The last thing that hit me was Pilot. Pilot washed his hands of Jesus' blood because he did not want to crucify Jesus, but he wanted to please the people. It says in Matthew 27:26 that Pilot had Jesus flogged. Pilot. Not the Jews. A thought came through my mind which may or may not be true. Maybe the reason Pilot had the innocent man flogged was to make his death quick. It took a long time for someone to die when crucified. But by being flogged, your body is already weak and will give up sooner. So was Pilot being nice by doing this or was he just trying to get some aggression out. Remember he did this AFTER he said Jesus' blood was not on his hands. Once he flogged Jesus, he handed Him over to the Jews to be crucified. AFTER he was flogged.

That was all that really hit me while listening to the book of Matthew. I think if you don't have an audio bible, BUY ONE. Many of you probably have MP3 players, good news, you can buy a cheaper audio bible in MP3 form. I have been listening to The Listener's NIV MP3 Audio Bible by Max McLean. It is only $32.97, around $36 after shipping. At Family Christian it is nearly $50. But if you on't have one get one. This one is really good. Max does a great job at reading it and making it sound interesting. I have learned so many new things listening to the bible, things I never learned reading it.

Joshua

2008-06-04T07:46:00.001-06:00

I am currently in the book of Joshua. Pastor Shawn had mentioned preaching on it and that night I couldn't get it out of my mind so I decided to start reading it. I have now moved on to listening to it because I have an audio bible that I am "borrowing" from someone until I get my own copy. I love it too. I can spend so much time with God, in the Word when I am in my car.

Anyway, Joshua, that's where I was. It has been an interesting read. Some questions, which I already know the answer to. First off, Rahab. She lied to the guards who came looking for the spies. Did she have to make a sacrifice for the forgiveness of her sins? I think she did, even though the bible never mentions it. Lying, no matter the reason, is a sin. Also, as I am listening I am getting this impression that God is an awful God. I know it is not true. I know my Father. He basically lets Joshua destroy city after city, killing everyone: men, women and children. Wow. I don't know the history of these cities that were destroyed. From the sounds of them, they were a godless people. I don't think of God at all as awful. (I can't think of the word, so until I do awful will have to work, how about heartless) So I don't think of God at all as heartless. The God we read about in the Old Testament is very different from the God we know today. God destroyed cities because of their sin. He destroyed all but a few when he flooded the entire earth. So yes, he was vengeful. Maybe this is why I am thinking like this. In the New Testament and today, God is a loving, caring God who sent his only Son to earth to lead a pure and blameless life so he could die on the cross for our sins. When I think of this I remember the song by Foolish Things, "Find Your Way Back" The lyrics are posted below. This is a conversation between God and Jesus in Heaven before Jesus came to earth. Even though we know nothing that happened before the decision by God to send His only Son, I believe this gives us a whole new perspective. One of a loving God. How beautiful are those lyrics?

It's going to crush you,
inside and out,
It's going to break you, my son,
But Jesus the choice is yours,
because I know
the sin is theirs to pay,
the debt is theirs to owe,
But we can make a way,
close the gap their sin has made,
your blood could right their wrongs,
and we could sing our song to call them...
"Find your way back to me,
I know your faults, but I was pierced so you'd be healed,
Turn your heart back to me,I paid the cost 'cause I couldn't change the way I feel"
Can this cup be taken?Dad I see,
If I take their sin upon myself
you'll turn your back on me,
I know their guilty,but I love them too,
If my death can build a bridge for them
I'll bring them back to you,
and we'll sing it...
"Find your way back to me,I know your faults, but I was pierced so you'd be healed,
Turn your heart back to me,
I paid the cost 'cause I couldn't change the way I feel"
So I made a way,Closed the gap your sin had made,
The blood can right your wrongs,
Would you listen to the song,We're singing...
"Find your way back to me,I know your faults, but I was pierced so you'd be healed,
Turn your heart back to me,I paid the cost 'cause I couldn't change the way I feel"

What powerful words those lyrics hold. According to the lyrics, Jesus basically said "Hey dad! I love those people down there on earth. I know they are sinful. I know that keeps them from you. Let me go to earth, become a servant, die on a cross and bear their sins, all of their sins, so they aren't separated from us anymore." How beautiful that thought of this loving God.

Sidetracked again, sorry. Where was I? Oh yes, maybe because of the fact that the God I know now is so different from the God I am reading about in the Old Testament, I see God as this bad god. Someone with no mercy, who doesn't love His people. Maybe this is just Satan's way of getting into my head trying to cloud my judgement of who God really is. All I know is I know the God I love now and he is an amazing God. Every time I listen to that song above, I start to cry because that confirms the God I love is truly a loving God. He not a vengeful God that I read about in the Old Testament.

Thank you God for your Son. For Jesus. For allowing him to bear my sins every day. That is a burden no one should ever have to but he chose to do it. Thank you for that. I praise you every day for your mercy and grace.

My Gun

2008-05-28T07:06:00.005-06:00

So if you look to the right side of the screen there is a picture of my gun. I love guns. I'm not gun-happy by way of shoot 'em up bang bang! But instead I just like to shoot them, at a range or somewhere at targets...and not the target stores. :) Now don't get me wrong, guns freak me out, especially since a friend of mine in high school was killed when he and his friend were drunk and high playing with a gun. Guns are powerful and if you don't know what you are doing, I definitely recommend classes if you do want to start using guns. I am a Texas gal and have grown up around guns. The first time I shot a gun i have no idea how old I was, I just know that I ended up on my butt a few feet back because I weight so little. I was a small kid. haha. It was fun though.

This gun is amazing! It shoots great! The one thing I don't like is that it does not have a safety, but it is double action when the hammer isn't cocked. So this requires a lot of pressure. I have issues with using double action because I am a weakling. heehee.

I do plan on getting my concealed weapon permit at some point. I'm looking into taking a class with my mom this summer sometime probably. I am actually really looking forward to it. I would also like to buy one more hand gun for the time being. I'd like one like my mom's. Her's is about the size of the one above, but it is a .45. It also has a safety which is something I'd like. Just so I feel better about carrying it around when I do.

For those of you with kids, don't worry. I keep my gun in a locked safe. I never leave it unlocked so no one can get into it and play around. The lock is a numbered lock too. So someone would have to know my password in order to get in, instead of having to have a key. Your kids are perfectly safe in our house. My dad was a police officer and knows the importance of gun safety. I learned from him what to do.

Doubt

2008-05-26T20:50:00.003-06:00

As a person who grew up around the Christian faith I have never had to really worry about doubting God. I don't mean doubting His plans for me, instead I mean doubting Him. Who He is and what He is. That doubt has creeped up, but when it does I can shut it down fast because I just know. I can look outside and see the beautiful sunsets and sunrises. How can I not know who God is? I can see the mountains, see the crevices from where God's hands molded them. How can I not know who God is?

The Bible defines hope in Hebrews 11:1 as "...being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I think because I grew up learning this, making this part of my life. When someone I know starts doubting, I have problems understanding why. I have noticed that most of the people I know that have doubts are not raised in the Christian faith. Satan knows right where to attack each of us and for those people who have had to figure out who God is through ways other than being taught from a young age that provides a perfect hole for Satan to get in and do his work. He knows our weaknesses and preys on that.
I think this doubt not only hurts the person with the doubt, but I think Satan also does it because it hurts others around that person. It pains me to see someone going through this because of what it does to them. If the person decides God isn't real, then they are lost. It is so hard for people to believe in this wonderful God I serve. Everything points to Him, yet it also points away from Him. Because I know Him, I see how everything points at Him. But to those who have questions, who have doubts, everything says He is not real. Science claims to know how the world was made and how humans were made. Everything can either point to God or away from God depending on who you are. I wish I could just say to someone, "Yes, God is real." and have them believe. How wonderful that would be. Instead it is hard. Satan puts everything in our way to make us not believe in this wonderful Creator. He tears us apart while watching our loved ones go through life without knowing Him or making them have doubts.

How can we get people to believe and not doubt? Is there even a way?

Thoughts on a couple verses...

2008-05-25T14:34:00.002-06:00

Philippians 1:21 states that "For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain." To give more clarity to the meaning of this verse I'll also mention Galations 2:20 which stateas that "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

What powerful words these verses hold. We are called to be in the world but not of it. We live in this evil place but we do not give in to the worldly temptations it holds. I think so many of us (myself included) get this idea that we aren't perfect so why not be of the world? Yes, we are sinners and fall so often. God doesn't say we have to be perfect. That would defeat the purpose of Jesus' death. I believe God wants us to try our very best to be sinless. Should we give up our cars, jobs, tvs, and anything else of this world? I don't think so. I think God convicts each person differently in what they need to do. Some people do not watch tv. Others take public transportation, walk ride a bike...etc. God calls us each to not be of the world in a different way. Is one way better than any other? No. If you are doing what God calls you to do, then you can't be wrong.

Now, when Christ lives in us, then we are no longer focused on ourselves. We give Christ control and we focus on what He wants for us. I really hate how hard this is. Because we aer sinners, the world screams at us. We are told we are wrong, that doing this other thing is right. so like a kid, when we are told not to do something, what do we do? We put our hand on that hot burner and get hurt. We forget God sees the big picture, we forget he knows what's best for us.

Our God is an amazing God. Why do we make having a relationship with God so hard when all we have to do is trust him? May we all remember to trust God, do what He says and love him completely.

And another...

2008-05-21T22:05:00.000-06:00

Well, as I was browsing through a local site I found a sad article. http://www.9news.com/life/entertainment/article.aspx?storyid=92245Steven Curtis Chapman lost his 5 year old daughter in a horrible accident. This accident was caused by his teenage son. What grief this family must be in, especially the son who caused the accident. Please read the article and please, please pray for his family. How hard this must be to lose a loved one.

Prayer Request

2008-05-21T10:20:00.001-06:00

So, I am trying to get scholarships to go back to school to help with my career in case something happens to my boss (we won't discuss what). I am not having much luck with this and without a few scholarships I won't be able to afford school because I am trying to save up for my wedding next year. If you could please pray for the situation, that I am able to find more scholarships that apply to me and might get one or two that would be great. I'd really appreciate it.

Fired for doing what's right...

2008-05-21T07:36:00.003-06:00

In case you didn't know, I like to read news stories. I like to know what's going on the the US of A. Here is a link to a story about a gas station employee being fired for protecting a co-worker: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,356710,00.html

Now I do believe people should follow company protocol. However, this was a woman he was protecting. If it weren't for him fighting off the assailant who knows what could've happened to her. She couldn't been beaten, raped, maybe even murdered. I think this guy deserves a reward, not money, but let's say recognition instead for his brave act. I'd like to hope that if someone were attacking me, regardless of what the company protocol is, that someone would come help me, even though if someone ever does attack me, they will meet their worst nightmare. Haha. I fight!

I think this guy deserves his job back. I also think the company should change their protocol so that if something like this happens again, someone can help save someone without fear of being fired.

DPD Bashed

2008-05-20T08:11:00.005-06:00

I get tired of hearing people always bashing the police when they have to fatally shoot someone. http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_9305734?source=pop_section_news

This is a story of a guy who was fatally shot. When it comes to the police they do two things. First they do everything in their power to apprehend the suspect. Secondly, if they feel they are in a life threatening situation that are allowed to shoot to kill. My dad was a cop for many years. One thing he always tells me it's their life or yours. I would personally shoot the person that looks like they are armed. It is unfortunate if they are not though, but it is their life or yours. If the suspect cannot seem to figure out how to listen to the police then, honestly, they deserve all the punishment they can get. Tasers, pepper balls, pepper spray...etc. Fatally shot? Not necessarily, only when they are threatening a life.

It sickens me to hear people talk about how this suspect was a good man. A good father. He would never do anything like this. Well, he did. People seem to blind themselves with what they want to believe is true. Accept the truth for what it is. Some people are bad in this world and no matter how much you believe they are good, they aren't.

I think the next time any of us sees a police officer we should thank them for their hard work. I know in some citiesaurora it seems they aren't doing their job, but they are. They risk their lives every day to save our lives. I am proud of my dad for having risked his life to keep us safe. I remember all the stand-offs he was involved in. Thankfully God protected him every day he was a police officer.

So to all the police officers and armed forces, THANK YOU! Without you we would not be safe and we would most definitely not be free!

Company Property

2008-05-15T08:57:00.004-06:00

One thing that irks me more than anything at work is the fact that people do not respect company property. Today I was given a laptop that we assigned one of our MANAGERS! Below are the pictures of the damage I took. He says it was an accident. This is more than an accident. I have dropped my laptop several times and have seen others dropped. It would take it being thrown to the ground to get this kind of damage. He wants a brand new laptop too. Corporate saw this damage and said absolutely NOT!! I couldn't agree more. I don't even want to get him one of our older laptops for fear he will damage those as well.

This isn't the first time I have seen this. Employees are constantly damaging equipment, violating rules and more. There is no food or drink allowed in the control rooms because of the cost of the boards we have. Yet, I go in to the rooms to work, and see food. I see crumbs, I see crumbs on the boards! I see permanent marker written on these boards too. There is absolutely NO excuse for directly disobeying the rules.

I have decided to really keep an eye out. If I see any food or drink in the control rooms or in the prod rooms, I will say something. I will no longer tolerate this complete disrespect to company policy.

Old People Driving

2008-05-15T07:10:00.003-06:00

Several years ago, my parents and I went to Elk City, OK to see my granddad and his wife. They took us out to dinner in town and his wife drove us. That was without a doubt, the scariest ride of my life. She stopped at a stop sign in the MIDDLE OF THE INTERSECTION. Seriously. There were cars coming too and lots of honking involved. This happened at numerous intersections. Why did she stop in the middle? Was it just slow reaction speed? She is an older lady and has bad vision, so maybe she saw the stop sign when she got there and by the time her brain told her foot to push the brake it was too late and so she stopped in the middle of the intersection.

It seems that the majority of old people, okay, elderly people drive slower as they get older. I passed a man in his 60s, maybe 70s today on I-70. The speed limit was 55 and I was going 55. He had to be going 40, and I just blew right on by him. I looked over at him and he looked petrified. He had a death grip on the steering wheel and was leaning forward, not sitting with his back to the chair. I feel bad when I see this because I know how I feel when I'm going 55, or whatever the speed limit is and people are blowing right on by me. I feel like I have my car in reverse. I consider going extremely slow like this man was to be a danger, not only to himself but to everyone else who is on the road.

Is there a point that people should not get licenses? Is the fact that the DMV is giving these people licenses a danger to them, to us? I don't even know the answer to that. It is something I'm going to have to ponder as I try to take over the world!

Stupidity at its best

2008-05-14T14:50:00.002-06:00

I found this article at 9news.com: http://www.9news.com/news/article.aspx?storyid=91768

Okay, it takes a real moron to shoot himself accidentally. First off, the officers' guns all have safeties. Secondly, unless you intend to shoot the gun, never put your finger on the trigger. This is basic gun safety. The fact that he had his finger on the trigger while putting pressure on it trying to get it to holster tells me he should not be a police officer. He needs to go through some extensive training.

So...

2008-05-13T09:26:00.000-06:00

As if I don't have enough blogs as it is. Okay, I have one other one that I use. Gotta love myspace!

So I was listening to the Jesse and Shotgun show today I 92.5 The Wolf. That's right!! I love country music. I'm a Texas gal, what do you expect. The big issue on the show today was a story about a guy who through a party for after prom at his house and provided alcohol for the underage kids. Read the story here: http://www.heraldtribune.com/article/20080513/NEWS/805130675/1417/news0101

I never drank in high school. I learned from my parents what to do and what not to do. I saw the things my brother did and saw how bad it hurt my parents and never wanted to cause them that kind of pain. If the guy wanted to serve his daughter alcohol, fine. If a parent consents and is present, the minor can have alcohol, as long as the minor does not get drunk. He was wrong, in my opinion, to allow the other kids to drink too. Yes, they were safer at his home than if they went somewhere else and possibly got drunk and drove. It is up to each individual parent to decide what the kid does. I believe that if you allow your kids to drink excessively before they turn 21, you are first off encouraging them to break the law. I also think they will not turn out good in most cases.

The majority of my friends in high school had laid back parents. They did whatever they wanted when they wanted. Their weekends we were full of partying and alcohol. Those friends all have kids, aren't married, and can't keep jobs. My other friends, the ones from church, they didn't lead this kind of lifestyle. Their parents set boundaries and the kids respected them and they are all doing good. Some are married, have kids, have good jobs. This could be coincidence, but I am thinking it's not. Parents need to be parents instead of being friends with their kids and start punishing, setting rules and making sure the kids apply by these rules.